In a few short days we will be making the trip to Cancer Treatment Center for what could possibly be my last scan. In May, I wrote about my confusion as to what my Oncologist actually said regarding my next appointment. I’m still confused but that should all be cleared up in the next week 😉 I promised myself that I will listen better at this appointment.
I have the usual scanxiety and have convinced myself that I have at least two types of cancer. The last week or so has been a blast (insert sarcasm here.) As much as I complain about scans and lab work I am actually getting a little nervous about it possibly coming to an end soon. I know, just slap me now. Every six months I am overly dramatic about how much I hate scans and my anxiety is wearing on me. But thinking about not having follow-ups is weird. The past five years feels like it went so slow at times and at other times so fast. Am I really ready to not have that reassurance every six months that I am cancer free? Do I really trust myself to go to the Doctor when I feel like something is amiss? Of course I am more than ready to have my anxiety level go down. But I don’t think I will ever be at a place where cancer isn’t lurking in the back of my mind.
In a way I am starting to feel like I did when I finished chemo. I was sooo happy to be done but I was not ready to be without an oncology nurse just a phone call away. I was used to having nurses around me that could answer every question I had and made me feel very comfortable. If I had any type of illness that required antibiotics etc. my oncologist took care of it. Then all of a sudden chemo was done and I felt very alone. Of course if I really needed something I could call but it just wasn’t the same. Pretty similar to how I am feeling now. If something went array now I could call my Oncologist’s office and they would guide me in what to do next and/or get me in to be seen. After I am released I can’t just call them and expect to get that first class service. It’s a very weird feeling.
Then there is the other side of this. I could quite possibly be done. Done with scans and follow-ups. Done with lab work and exams. I can officially be in the five-year survivor club and that feels amazing! I went from being told “Some people make it.” to possibly making it to the finish line. That definitely gives me all the feels.
I can definitely say that cancer taught me how to be grateful and live life the way I want to. The last five years has been quite the ride and I am excited for the future. Whatever the outcome is I am ready to find out 🙂